Receipt, anyone?

Last week, I went out late one evening to to buy a bow and arrow set for Teja’s  Halloween costume. Our would-be Artemis (the Greek Goddess, not the fictional Irish mastermind) was still waiting for her godly bow via mail-order, and drastic measures were required.

I ended up at Toys R Us in Alhambra and after wandering among the broken boxes and rows and rows of seizure-inducing colors, found the only bow and arrow set in the store: a Disney Princess Brave Merida Bow & Arrow Set from the film Brave. It was a terrible, overpriced choice, but it was late and I wasn’t going to search any other place to find a substitute.

The bow itself really wasn’t really the problem. It’s a mostly useless, mauve piece of plastic tied with a limp string that will spend its short life terrorizing a handful of windows with one of its three suction-cup arrows, as long as the windows are less than three feet away and the bow is in a good mood.

The problem was I wasn’t really happy to make a pitch-hit purchase of a crappy bow and arrow set because the other crappy bow and arrow set I had ordered had decided to come ground mail instead of overnight. But there I was, at 7:30 on a Tuesday night in a Toys R Us.

However, what was amazing was when I got the receipt for my payment. I had bought one item for $24 and the cashier handed me a rolled stack of paper which looked roughly as long as the EEG of some sick, old person on a pacemaker.

This is what the receipt comprised top to bottom (by inches):

3 1/2 Inches: Survey Request FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $500!

Ok, maybe for some people this sounds like Nirvana, but the idea of allowing my kids to roam Toys R Us with a $500 gift certificate is enough to make me want to smother myself to death under a mountain of adorable, plush teddy bears.

5 Inches: Actual Receipt. 

Yay, I knew it was in there somewhere!

Also, included in the receipt are handy links to product safety and recall info, how to become a Toys R Us “team member” (so you can job slightly more enjoyable than “cafeteria lunch-room monitor”), and the opportunity to have Toys R Us deals txt’d directly to your phone (“OMG my brain exploded! There is a sale on Wreck-it Ralph 8-bit Action Figures!”)

4 1/4 Inches: Gift Receipt. 

Well, yeah, probably not a bad idea. It is a toy, and God knows I don’t really want to own a Disney Princess Brave Merida Bow & Arrow Set from Brave and so, yeah, well played, Toys R Us.

6 inches: COUPON: Save 20% on ONE regular-priced baby item

Yay, baby items! Granted it’s a toy store, but the gift I bought was for a child who is 8yrs old. Isn’t it a bit presumptive to assume I have a baby at home. Do you know something I don’t, Toys R Us?

6 inches: COUPON: SAVE $20 on ANY TWO Pampers (88-ct. or higher) or Huggies (100-ct. or higher) value boxes of diapers

Thank you, no. My household has been diaper-free for 6 years at this point, though possibly not for much longer if I don’t do my Kegel exercises everyday like my doctor told me I needed to.

6 inches: COUPON: SAVE $5 on ANY TWO powder formulas (22-oz or larger)

You can get protein shakes at Toys R Us? Awesome!

6 inches: COUPON: Save 20% on ONE regular-priced baby item

Um, I think we covered this before. But, if I’m getting TWO coupons for ONE regular-priced baby items, does that mean I get ONE regular-priced baby item for 40% off, or TWO regular-priced baby items for 20% off each? I mean, you never know when a color-coated selection of binkies will come in handy.

3 1/2 inches: PROMOTION: BUY 2 GET 3RD FREE ALL baby wash, lotion, shampoo, oil, powder and diaper rash items.

Well, you can never get enough “diaper rash items” in my book.

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